Virginity and abstinence: a gift

Brance & LaurenBrance and I were virgins when we got married almost 10 years ago.

That may surprise you, or maybe it doesn’t. Either way, we were in the minority of those who were our ages 33 and 23 respectively. Most people have their first sexual encounter by age 17.

I realize that this topic of virginity and abstinence is very personal, and I really do not wish to offend anyone. I want to share our experience, in case it could help someone else (especially those who are a virgin or contemplating a return to abstinence).

For us, abstinence was chosen for religious reasons. But knowing what I do now, even if I weren’t Christian and if I could relive my youth, I would still choose this path.

Here’s why.

Virginity has been one of the greatest gifts Brance and I have brought to our marriage. Sound crazy? We are constantly blown away by how amazing and bonding it has been for us as a couple. How it continues to be, even to this day, long after we have lost our virginity to each other.

Interestingly, one study found that people who waited later than average for their first sexual interaction had more satisfying romantic relationships in adulthood.

I strongly believe this has been the case for us. That delaying sex until later has made all the difference in our marriage. That it has helped us connect in a deep way emotionally, we may not have otherwise. That it laid a foundation of trust that has positively impacted all areas of our marriage. That the self-discipline it required before marriage trained us and continues to protect us to this day.

And we have found monogamous sex has been anything but boring. Not for one minute have we regretted our lack of sexual experience coming into marriage. Quite the opposite. It has been an exciting, romantic adventure – sometimes funny adventure – of learning how to please one another.

We came to our honeymoon with no expectations. And we were totally blown away (it didn’t take much then) and it has gotten even more amazing over time as we have grown in experience. When we think it can’t get any better – it does. We still, to this day, even after 10 years, often say to one another that we are surprised by how sex seems to constantly get better and better, if that is even possible.

I will never forget a time a couple of years ago where a friend /co-worker of Brance, who happened to live with his girlfriend, asked about our frequency. He was curious how things went for the married couple. Brance, not the least bit shy, shared it with him. His friend was shocked that a married couple would be having that much sex. When Brance shared this with me later, I laughed because I didn’t feel that the amount of sex we were having was shocking.

And while sex in marriage has been very romantic and exciting, the process has been the most comfortable, natural thing in the whole world. No shame. No fear of what my spouse thinks about my body or my performance. I think that is because abstinence builds trust. There is this amazing trust there knowing that the person I married waited for me. For me. They saved this special part of who they are just for me. That is incredibly comforting. And while it is incredibly comforting and safe, it is also a beautifully sacred feeling.

I am so glad that Brance and I chose the path of abstinence before marriage. It has been a beautiful gift.

Here is a short talk on the subject that I found super informative and interesting. Definitely worth listening to.

P.S. Since watching, Brance and I look for every opportunity to “casually” throw into conversation that we are addicted to one another  :).

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